There are recipes in the Book of Lambert that predate Bran Muffins, but in order to reach that far back, one must conjure a time when Evil Kineval was a celebrity and talking like a trucker on a CB was the equivalent of “gangsta.” The Archivist does not remember such times and so does not remember a time during his childhood free of Bran Muffins. In the late seventies, a work acquaintance of the Scribe’s father made the risible observation that he was putting on a little weight. This casual aside, forgotten as soon as it was uttered, was to have a terrible impact on our lives.*
The Lambert Free Flow Diet
By applying the Law of Thermodynamics to all food everywhere, the Scribe’s father was able to develop a simple physics based weight loss program that, one freely admits, worked. The diet consisted entirely of the following recipe:
1c oat bran
1c wheat bran
Can add more of either to get right consistency [double it – the Scribe]
1can blueberries or blackberries
Honey to taste [hardly any due to calories – the Scribe]
Bake in muffin pan at 350f until done..abt 45 min
Eat with milk
No instruction is necessary for weight loss to occur. Simply consume the bran muffins.
The idea was that you ate all this bran and filled up on fibre and it all just went right out! You could eat as much as you wanted, and it didn’t matter! You just ate and you sat there full and then it just goes right down and out of you and you didn’t gain anything! And the thing is, when you mixed it all up, it looked exactly like what came out! I mean, there was no difference at all! Exactly the same!
The Scribe has eaten more than one of these Bran Muffins in desperation since, as has been noted by many others, the Scribe’s family’s refrigerator was often filled with nothing but various spicy condiments and salad dressings of the heart-healthy variety. Yet, there were also Bran Muffins. Usually ignored to the point of visual suppression, one did get hungry from time to time and reach for one with resigned disappointment
* Scribal Marginalia: The providentiality of these creations was demonstrated early in 2012 when, after several decades, the Scribe's father was randomly roomed after a hip replacement with the same work acquaintance whose offhand remark was the catalyst for this nutritional revelation. Bran Muffins were discussed.