Scribal Entry: We must create a slight breach of etiquette in sharing this recipe as it does not technically come from the Wooden Box. Like a Necronomical rite, it is not to be shared in the vulgate of the masses. But like those same rites, which nevertheless were available 10% off at Supercrown, we unleash “Bran Muffins” upon the public leaving each individual soul to accept the burden of risk.

 There are recipes in the Book of Lambert that predate Bran Muffins, but in order to reach that far back, one must conjure a time when Evil Kineval was a celebrity and talking like a trucker on a CB was the equivalent of “gangsta.” The Archivist does not remember such times and so does not remember a time during his childhood free of Bran Muffins. In the late seventies, a work acquaintance of the Scribe’s father made the risible observation that he was putting on a little weight. This casual aside, forgotten as soon as it was uttered, was to have a terrible impact on our lives.*

The Lambert Free Flow Diet

By applying the Law of Thermodynamics to all food everywhere, the Scribe’s father was able to develop a simple physics based weight loss program that, one freely admits, worked. The diet consisted entirely of the following recipe:

Bran muffins
1c oat bran
1c wheat bran
Can add more of either to get right consistency [double it – the Scribe]
3egg whites
1can blueberries or blackberries
Vanilla extract
Honey to taste [hardly any due to calories – the Scribe]
Bake in muffin pan at 350f until done..abt 45 min
Eat with milk

No instruction is necessary for weight loss to occur. Simply consume the bran muffins.

Notice the lack of digestible ingredients. When mixing the “batter,” the egg whites and bran produce a sticky, wet crinkly noise that has been observed independently as sounding like squishing a big, moist pile of dog poop.  The sound is reminiscent of the mucusy noise recorded on nature shows when a reptile or insect larva is shown emerging from its egg. Indeed, one may expect to faithfully reproduce this recipe simply by tossing the featured animal aside and scooping up the birth detritus along with whatever wood chips and dirt happens to be retrieved along side.
Mucus, wood, and dirt combine to form an all natural and healthy food.
The philosophy behind the muffins was recently expressed by the Scribe’s father during a phone call (Be so kind as to imagine the following monologue in the tone of an enthusiastic inventor of obscure devices who has, at last, found someone to take an interest in his creations) :

The idea was that you ate all this bran and filled up on fibre and it all just went right out! You could eat as much as you wanted, and it didn’t matter!  You just ate and you sat there full and then it just goes right down and out of you and you didn’t gain anything! And the thing is, when you mixed it all up, it looked exactly like what came out! I mean, there was no difference at all! Exactly the same!

The Scribe has eaten more than one of these Bran Muffins in desperation since, as has been noted by many others, the Scribe’s family’s refrigerator was often filled with nothing but various spicy condiments and salad dressings of the heart-healthy variety. Yet, there were also Bran Muffins. Usually ignored to the point of visual suppression, one did get hungry from time to time and reach for one with resigned disappointment

An interesting aside about the muffins is that they don’t actually cook. They just get warm and hard. When cooling, they become harder – even dangerous. The Scribe reproduced a batch for the purpose of this entry and created a “bran muffin shit man” as his wife dubbed it.  The Scribe was curious as to how it would hold its shape. As one can see, the shit man did not alter in mass at all. This is no way surprising as there is absolutely nothing in the ingredients that undergoes a chemical change in the oven other than the egg whites, which are strictly a binding agent.

* Scribal Marginalia: The providentiality of these creations was demonstrated early in 2012 when, after several decades, the Scribe's father was randomly roomed after a hip replacement with the same work acquaintance whose offhand remark was the catalyst for this nutritional revelation. Bran Muffins were discussed.

Leave a Reply.

    The Archivist

    I am the Archivist: document thief and humble librarian. Look to me when you have questions; seek me out when the obscurities of Lambert custom are too baffling. 

    The Scribe

    I am the scribe.
    Daring and inspirational, it was I who authored the original Lost Text. I don't know where it is. When looking, you will not see it, for it resides nowhere in nothing.  And I? I am but here and there.


    August 2012


    Classic Archive
    History Of The Archives
    Main Courses